What do you do when your trainer breaks your heart?

When I began this blog, I said I wanted to include the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Well, the past year or so of my life has been the ugly.  Hopefully I'm not being overly dramatic (haha) but it has been a year from hell. 

Some of you already know that Jerry and I have had major troubles in our marriage over the last year.  I don't write this as a 'bash Jerry' post, rather to give you a peek into my mindset as I work out, try to maintain and/or lose weight and continue this journey. 

Jerry has been my unofficial trainer since I began back in November of 2010 - one of the things I loved about me working out & losing weight is that it brought us closer together.  We've spent a lot more time and found more things in common.  He LOVES fitness, working out, nutrition, learning new exercises, etc.  That being said, even when I was heavy and extremely overweight, he was NEVER negative towards me, never put me down about my weight.  He always was encouraging, would ask if I wanted to go for a walk with the dogs, go to the gym with him, he fixed healthy meals and encouraged a healthy lifestyle but was never cruel or unkind.  I appreciated that and I believe it made me braver and possibly more motivated to begin, knowing that I had his full support.

Somewhere down the road, during my weight-loss journey, our problems began.  It didn't have to do with me losing weight but man, did it have an impact. Betrayed, hurt, feelings of 'not good enough' were prevalent in my head and still are to an extent.  I cannot convey to you the whirlwind of mental torture that goes through a woman's head during times like these.  "Why am I not enough?  Is it that I haven't lost enough weight? There must be something wrong with me. "  I tell you all these thoughts because they have played a significant part in my struggles as of late with my weight-loss journey. 

During this past summer I still went to the gym but not nearly as often as I used to. I slacked off with my weight routine.  While I still did weights, I found it easier than ever to not finish a set, completely skip over some portions of workouts and some days, skip the gym altogether.  I often found myself going to the gym alone as Jerry wasn't living at home and that was difficult.  Going to this place we had spent SO much time together over the last 1.5 years and had brought us closer together (or so I thought), somehow made me even more sad.  There have been numerous times we'll be at the gym together and he'll see me doing something he doesn't like on a machine, or maybe not having great form, and he'll stop what he's doing, walk over and help me correct it or show me a new exercise he wants me to do.  I missed that. 

My eating habits were not great - we always jokingly talked about people 'eating their feelings.' Well that sums up my life this summer and early fall!  Haha.  I haven't eaten horrible foods but have simply eaten too much of what I do eat. 

To sum it all up, I've gained back about 15 pounds since my last post.  Ouch!  I can feel such a difference - while I still wear the same size, my jeans definitely feel more snug and I have just felt more lethargic.  I can tell a difference and it's not good.  Imagine if I gained all 80 pounds back!  That will NEVER happen, I promise, but just gaining back about 15 makes me feel gross - imagine how I felt at my heaviest!  There were times back then I would be sitting on the couch and could HEAR MY PULSE in my ears - I could hear my heart beating.  That was NOT good! 

Things with Jerry are a bit better now, he's home (for good, he says) and we are working on healing.  That will take a LONG time as there was an unbelievable amount of damage done.  I am willing to try though - I have a depth of love for him that I can't even convey to him.  He has no clue.  lol  The ironic thing is, it seems much of my overeating happened after he was back home.  When he was away, I wasn't hungry much and lost weight - in an unhealthy way. 

I am aiming to get back on track now, need to keep myself more accountable so I'm begining weigh-ins again, starting with this morning.  I think knowing I've got a weigh-in coming up every 2 weeks will help me stay on the straight and narrow.  I'm also reworking my nutrition, increasing protein and cutting out or changing certain snacks and drinking even more water. 

I'll keep you posted! I'll also let you know if any legs need to be broken - if you know what I mean.  Haha! 

I'm a slacker

Wow it's been a while!  I'm a slacker with posting to my blog when I have stress.  Without going into it, I have had MAJOR stress in my life the past few months.  I'm glad to say it hasn't affected my fitness routine horribly.  I haven't really lost any more weight (still right around 88-90 lbs lost) but I have definitely maintained during what has probably been the most difficult time of my life. 

I feel myself getting stronger - both physically and emotionally and that is encouraging.  I went for a run by myself last night at the trail - this is a first for me, I think.  I just wanted to do a quick 3 miles because it was still fairly humid - I ran the first 1.5 miles in 12.5 minutes.  That's FAST for me!  I finished all 3 miles in under 27 minutes so that's a milestone in itself.

I'm doing great with my weight routine for the most part.  The only negative thing is if I don't do it regularly (I prefer to do it Mon, Weds, & Fri), I feel the effects after...i.e.  I'm more sore if I do legs/back only every 10-12 days as opposed to once a week. I'm working on getting back in my regular routine though. 

My next goal with regards to running is to run in the Hartford Half Marathon in October.  I've been regularly doing 4-5 miles, that's pretty much my norm now.  I just need to start stretching it out, adding in a longer-distance run combined with shorter, faster ones to mix it up. 

I think I do want to lose that last 10-12 lbs to make it an even 100.  I think I could do it without being too thin.  I definitely have more toning I could do, inches I could lose if I really worked hard. 

I'll try to update more often, stress or not!  :)

Stress = FAIL

How well do you handle stress?  Do you use it as motivation to work out even harder?  Apparently, I don't.  :(  lol   I've had a LOT of stress the past few months....and while I've still been going to the gym fairly regularly, I have found a character flaw in myself that obviously needs to be addressed.   When I'm super stressed, I usually avoid going to the gym.  That is the worst thing I can do....that is the time I NEED to be there, letting out my frustrations and pushing through.  This past week I have been to the gym ONE time.  Last Sunday.  Today is Saturday.  Oopsie. 

I am off to the gym this morning for what will hopefully a productive, therapeutic run on the treadmill.  I have spent much time in prayer this morning and, while I still have that nagging stress in the back of my mind, I feel ready to take on the treadmill. 

I realize logically that during times like these, the best thing I can do is to go to the gym (aside from the obvious other choices - pray, etc.)  I mean as opposed to staying home in bed.

This way I have dealt with stress (by avoiding the gym) is central to what caused my weight problems in the first place - laziness, not handling stress well, making poor food choices, etc. The only positive aspect is I haven't gained weight.  I've maintained which is a minor victory. I am attempting to conquer this - baby steps.  Wish me well! And keeping me in your prayers certainly won't hurt either.  ;) 

Do I look different?

I sure FEEL different!  Most of you know I lost my dad on January 19th.  :(  It's the strangest thing, my first day back to work I just felt like a different person...like every person who called me on the phone or came into the office could tell just by looking at me that my dad had passed away.  Even strangers.  Very bizarre.  Literally every day since he died I have thought, "I should call Dad!" or "Dad would love that joke - I should tell it to him!"  I'm sure that will take a while to subside.

My dad was one of my most favorite people in the world....no exaggeration.  I enjoyed spending time with him, I loved talking on the phone to him.  A lot of times I would call him from work (long-distance is included in our plan at work, no worries).  lol  I would call him just to say hello and catch up....he ALWAYS made me feel special, he ALWAYS let me know he was glad to hear from me.  From the way he said, "well, hi Sugar!"  Or "I love you a bunch."  I KNEW I was loved....and that means so very much.  I know I've been blessed to have had him for 35+ years.  Many people dream of having a dad and a pappaw to their children like him and I'm thankful. 

Without knowing it, my dad was a huge motivator in me beginning my journey to weight loss.  So many times over the years, he would ask me to get my cholesterol checked, my blood pressure checked, to go to the doctor,etc.  I didn't necessarily listen right away (ha!) but his words did stick with me.  It made me so happy to know he was relieved and thrilled at my progress along the way.  Recently, at the beginning of December, I did make my Dr. appointment for a physical and got a complete workup - cholesterol, blood pressure, risk for diabetes, etc. and it was all EXCELLENT.  I couldn't WAIT to call Dad that day to let him know!  I know it made him feel so much better that I had taken away so many risks of things he's had issues with.  Things, I might add, that he no longer suffers from - diabetes, swollen legs/feet, cardiac issues.  He is WHOLE and he is HEALTHY! I'm SO thankful for that.

Come here often?

Happy New Year!!  I spent much of Christmas on the road, traveling to Ohio to visit my family.  Jerry was at the firehouse so we went to visit him so the kids could open their gifts with both of us, then Isaiah and I took off for a long day of driving.  Exhausting but SO worth it! 

While in Dayton, I was able to exercise every day I was there!  There's a new Planet Fitness in Dayton and because of the type of membership I have at our club in CT, I was able to use their gym.  It came in handy!  I went Monday through Thursday, doing both weights and cardio.   On Friday, I was planning to take the day off but when your (future) sister-in-law asks if you want to go spinning, you don't pass it up!  :)  So we had the wrong time for spinning but still got a 50-minute run in, regardless. 

It was so different being at a gym other than my own...mainly because I was the only one working out most days!  Very strange compared to being one of about 20-25 regulars at our gym every morning.  One guy at the Dayton gym was odd, rocking out to himself while on the treadmill OR just walking along. lol  I found out the next day he actually worked there.  Another guy that worked there had a ton of questions for me about our gym in CT, wondering how their setup was different, how much equipment, etc. 

We got back home Saturday evening and thankfully, Jerry was off. So Sunday morning (New Year's Day), we went for our long-distance run -- the first one we've been able to run together in probably 2 weeks at least. We did 10 miles - that's the longest I've ever run (9 was my previous best) and I felt good, even at the end!  SO exciting.  I'm well on my way to being ready for my half-marathon in May.

Other than that, nothing new to report, I'm at 85 pounds lost, the scale did finally move a bit after being stuck for a month or two. I'm not stressing as much about weigh-ins and haven't actually done them regularly in probably 2 months.  It probably would be a good idea to get back in that habit to keep myself accountable.