Welcome to my blog!!

Welp, here goes.....not sure how I'll do at this but I'll give it a whirl! Hope you enjoy. "Yearning to be Average" has to do with my desire & goal to just be an average size person.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

What do you do when your trainer breaks your heart?

When I began this blog, I said I wanted to include the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Well, the past year or so of my life has been the ugly.  Hopefully I'm not being overly dramatic (haha) but it has been a year from hell. 

Some of you already know that Jerry and I have had major troubles in our marriage over the last year.  I don't write this as a 'bash Jerry' post, rather to give you a peek into my mindset as I work out, try to maintain and/or lose weight and continue this journey. 

Jerry has been my unofficial trainer since I began back in November of 2010 - one of the things I loved about me working out & losing weight is that it brought us closer together.  We've spent a lot more time and found more things in common.  He LOVES fitness, working out, nutrition, learning new exercises, etc.  That being said, even when I was heavy and extremely overweight, he was NEVER negative towards me, never put me down about my weight.  He always was encouraging, would ask if I wanted to go for a walk with the dogs, go to the gym with him, he fixed healthy meals and encouraged a healthy lifestyle but was never cruel or unkind.  I appreciated that and I believe it made me braver and possibly more motivated to begin, knowing that I had his full support.

Somewhere down the road, during my weight-loss journey, our problems began.  It didn't have to do with me losing weight but man, did it have an impact. Betrayed, hurt, feelings of 'not good enough' were prevalent in my head and still are to an extent.  I cannot convey to you the whirlwind of mental torture that goes through a woman's head during times like these.  "Why am I not enough?  Is it that I haven't lost enough weight? There must be something wrong with me. "  I tell you all these thoughts because they have played a significant part in my struggles as of late with my weight-loss journey. 

During this past summer I still went to the gym but not nearly as often as I used to. I slacked off with my weight routine.  While I still did weights, I found it easier than ever to not finish a set, completely skip over some portions of workouts and some days, skip the gym altogether.  I often found myself going to the gym alone as Jerry wasn't living at home and that was difficult.  Going to this place we had spent SO much time together over the last 1.5 years and had brought us closer together (or so I thought), somehow made me even more sad.  There have been numerous times we'll be at the gym together and he'll see me doing something he doesn't like on a machine, or maybe not having great form, and he'll stop what he's doing, walk over and help me correct it or show me a new exercise he wants me to do.  I missed that. 

My eating habits were not great - we always jokingly talked about people 'eating their feelings.' Well that sums up my life this summer and early fall!  Haha.  I haven't eaten horrible foods but have simply eaten too much of what I do eat. 

To sum it all up, I've gained back about 15 pounds since my last post.  Ouch!  I can feel such a difference - while I still wear the same size, my jeans definitely feel more snug and I have just felt more lethargic.  I can tell a difference and it's not good.  Imagine if I gained all 80 pounds back!  That will NEVER happen, I promise, but just gaining back about 15 makes me feel gross - imagine how I felt at my heaviest!  There were times back then I would be sitting on the couch and could HEAR MY PULSE in my ears - I could hear my heart beating.  That was NOT good! 

Things with Jerry are a bit better now, he's home (for good, he says) and we are working on healing.  That will take a LONG time as there was an unbelievable amount of damage done.  I am willing to try though - I have a depth of love for him that I can't even convey to him.  He has no clue.  lol  The ironic thing is, it seems much of my overeating happened after he was back home.  When he was away, I wasn't hungry much and lost weight - in an unhealthy way. 

I am aiming to get back on track now, need to keep myself more accountable so I'm begining weigh-ins again, starting with this morning.  I think knowing I've got a weigh-in coming up every 2 weeks will help me stay on the straight and narrow.  I'm also reworking my nutrition, increasing protein and cutting out or changing certain snacks and drinking even more water. 

I'll keep you posted! I'll also let you know if any legs need to be broken - if you know what I mean.  Haha!