Hardest workout of my life

Bear with me - this post is going to be raw and difficult for me.  I said from the beginning I would share the good, the bad, and the ugly.  This is definitely the ugly.

On Friday, Jan. 25th, my husband of just over 10 years, Gerard, moved out and left me for his mistress of over a year.  While this was not something totally unexpected, you are never quite prepared for the pain - much like losing a loved one.  No mater how expected or prepared you are, that hole is still there in your heart nonetheless. 

I kept up my workouts during the week following and have felt good physically for the most part.  But on Saturday, Feb 2nd, it was the first night he spent at her house since leaving me and I knew he was there.  I can't describe to you the heartache and pain I have had over these past couple days.  Sometimes I guess you're better off NOT knowing some things.  I barely slept AT ALL Saturday night; since he's been gone I have had kind of crappy sleep but I slept moreso than not.  But Saturday night was a whole different story. 

I have never cried so much, to the point it was pouring out of me like a deep, gutteral (is that a word?) pain leaving my body.  I was literally on my knees in our bathroom, praying to God to take away my pain, to give me peace, to help me with my anger towards him and her, I cried out over and over and over. 

I did finally lay down around 3am and dozed off for maybe an hour, exhausted physically & emotionally. 

I woke up way before my alarm was set and debated whether to go to the gym.  In the end, I did go and completed my chest & shoulders workout.  It was the hardest workout I've had, I believe.  Not feeling any motivation, sitting there on the bench and my eyes kept welling up with tears, shoulders down, not making eye contact with anyone so noone would ask how I was.  But I'm proud that I completed it, on a day when my heart was literally aching nonstop. 

This struggle is not over by any means, every day is a struggle to get  up and go work out, take care of the kids and the dogs and the house.  I have been reading this devotional by Max Lucado every day (he's my favorite author!) and reading my Bible, praying a LOT.  I know my sister will hit me upside the head and tell me to get to a good Bible-based church as well and I'm planning to do that this Sunday I hope. 

Please keep me in your prayers, I need all the support I can get right now.  Pretty tough being so far away from family at a time like this.  Please pray for Sarah (my stepdaughter), who has been AMAZING through all of this.  Pray for Nick, my stepson, who is away at Army Basic Training and has no idea this is going on.  :(  Jerry waited until Nick left for Basic to make his move.  Please pray for Isaiah especially; Jerry is the only father he has ever known - we had his last name changed to 'Negretti' and I imagine this must be especially hurtful to him, although he doesn't say much, like most teenaged boys.

 (Oct 2011)